Healing and Forgiveness

As an adoptee I have mixed emotions about my own adoption experience. Could you imagine being forced to live apart from you biological siblings and other family members? Due to my birth mothers neglect to take care of 2 out of 6 kids, I had to experience the hardships of life early. As an adolescent I would feel sad to the point of crying myself to sleep thinking everything that was happening to me was all my fault. I felt that if my bio mom just met me…she would love me and take me home. Soon after feeling sad, I would feel angry. Angry because I would wounder how one woman, a mother, could claim she has no attachment to the her child?

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I would then think of my adoptive parents who just wanted to love and care and were so happy to have me. Their unconditional love allowed me to live a better life then what I would live had I not been adopted. For me, adoption gave me another chance to live a better life. On the outside I was always happy when talking to other people regarding my experience because I would mostly focus on the good stuff. I couldn’t bring myself to share the painful side. I secretly had a hard time dealing with my emotions from my traumatic experience. Part of my healing process has been to educate others of an adoptees trauma experience of adoption and how it really effects us.

No adoptee has the same experience, furthermore, I do think people realize the traumatic loss adoptees face. Once someone is adopted, its for life. Adoption does not end even when the child has grown well into an adult and reunites with the family they belong to. Some adoptees have good experiences and for others, they have an experience they wish they could not remember, It’s something we deal with for the rest of our lives. We often often hear, oh you’re so lucky to have parents that wanted to adopt you and love you. In my head I would scream, yeah they may love me, but what may have been the reason my bio mom did not try harder with forming a bond with me or love me? Why did she just sign me away and give up her rights to me? Why am I so fortunate to receive love from others after I’ve had horrible extended experiences from neglect, and foster care. You see my bio mom had ample opportunity to save me before my fate was sealed and she never came to save me. She didn’t want to change her life in order to keep me at that moment. As stated in my adoption file, one of the excuses she gave was, “she didn’t recognize me as her mother during our sessions. She calls everyone other woman mom except me. My question to her would be, how can I bond with you and I don’t know you? Clearly I needed her and was confused on how she didn’t realize that.

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God knew what he was doing because my adoptive parents are the blessings that helped save me. Their love allowed me to gain additional family and feel real love. Although there was a hole in my heart that couldn’t be filled, I let myself feel all the love they gave. I have adoptive parents who have done their best at raising me and have always kept the conversation of my adoption open. Now that I am in my 30’s I appreciate my experiences in life thus far. Healing will take time. Moving forward I am learning in order to heal you must forgive those who hurt you and I know my healing process will be slow.

To my adoptive parents, should you read this, I love you for all that you’ve done for me. I’ll forgive my birth mother one day but for now I am still healing.

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